The other day I was about to eat a ham sandwich when I suddenly realized I wasn’t hungry. No sooner had I put the thing down that it started to talk, telling me how it was a magical sandwich, that it was the prince of Hamsandwichia and how thankful it was that I spared its life and yadda yadda yadda.
Long story short: I’m now the king of the magical land of Ham Sandwiches. This realm is its own, separate reality. I have no idea how to get back to our time, and the absolute worst part of it all is there are NO comic books in Hamsandwichia.
Great books out this week, and I can’t read a dang one of em’ because I’m the frickin’ “chosen-one” for an entire stupid kingdom of lunchmeat. Have fun finishing up the latest storyline in Adventure Time #14 with out me, everybody. Tell me how it freaking ends if I ever get back to Earth. Then there’s All New X-Men #9 (new x-costumes!), Deadpool #6 (wrapping up one of the best runs on Deadpool ever) Superior Spider-Man #6 and the premier of X-Termination #1. X-Termination is a two issue series written by David Lapham where a bunch of alternative X-folks from many divergent X-Futures throw down like dominoes over the survival of their time lines. Too bad I can’t enjoy that. DC alone has, like, 18 incredible books out which is apropos as the great “New 52” Experiment is up to issue 18. Action Comics, Catwoman and a bunch more all get #18’s, plus the second issue of Justice League of America and the FIRST new issue of Constantine. As speculative numbers go, these are all pretty impressive…though the most impressive numbered book this week belongs to Simpsons Comic #200 from Bongo! Not impressed? Bongo is a third party comic celebrating its #200th issue of a full color monthly title. Not too many publishers outside of Image and Dark Horse have pulled that off. Sure, it has Simpson’s money behind it…those still aren’t numbers to scoff at.
HOLD THE RYE-OT
Wait up, crew. The Ham Sandwich equivalent of my Major Domo has approached the throne asking me to sign some edicts. All royal decrees in Hamsandwichia have to be signed in French’s Mustard on white bread with the laws toasted onto them using special techniques. It sounds delicious except A) I hate French’s and B) I’m not allowed to eat any of them. I’m not allowed to eat anything. I have to secretly sneak out of the palace at night and eat my subjects in their sleep. It’s only a matter of time before they figure it out and try to kill me. I’d be more worried if the toughest weapon in the land weren’t a butter knife, but still… Constantine #1 is a spiffy title, but I’m more enticed by Star Wars Legacy #1, the new Star Wars book from Dark Horse. Legacy follows the adventures of Han Solo’s great-great-granddaughter as she lasers her way though a familiar, yet hostile, galaxy of betrayal and conflict. Then there’s Invincible #101 (What the heck is going to happen next?!) as well as an amazing deluxe Hard Cover collection of Bob Fingerman’s impressive working class comedy Maximum Minimum Wage. Funny, sad and worth every penny.
I’m hungry, I’m surrounded by idiotic talking sandwiches and I can’t publicly eat a single one. This must be how Edward Cullen feels. Until next week, this is Unkiedev, the King of the magical land of Sandwichia urging you to eat every sandwich you see. The life you save could be your own.