UNKIEDEV’S Annual Half-Assed Holiday Gift Guide

Last week I wrote solely about Cyclops because my mechanical eyes weren’t working and I couldn’t see a reason not too…or anything else, actually. THIS week in B.M. Bendis’s All New X-Men #4, classic Kirby Cyclops is going to have a staring contest with modern cranky Cyclops. I can see how that will be a good time! No really, I can see!
I gave up on those robot eyes and got my old ones back…well, not MY eyes, but someones. If we can learn one lesson from Minority Report it would be to never look a gift “Eye Replacement Surgery” in the mouth. Or empty eye-socket.
And speaking of “Not Being to Choosy,” This is your last week to get some Christmas gifts for folks on your list.  I hope you didn’t have any Hanukha presents to buy, cause’ I’ve got some bad news. Since you are so very bad at being a good holiday shopper, let me do the thinking for you here. Buy your father Green Lantern #15 and cross out the “5” on the cover. Tell him it’s a collector’s item. While your at it, may as well get him Nightwing #15 (A Death of the Family Tie-In!) and Wonder Woman #15, too. That way he won’t feel ripped off, and besides that, Wonder Woman #15 has Wonder Woman vs Orion! Poor Orion. I hope he didn’t need those teeth.Mom LOVES cartoons (you didn’t know that?) so why not pick up this week’s Adventure Time #11 and My Little Pony Friendship is Magic #2. Go ahead and give them to her ahead of time, that way she can quickly re-gift them to your creepy Brony cousin.
As the newest member of the family, get your little sibling DC’s comic book adaptation of Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino’s newest expletive filled kill fest. Baby’s like new things. Don’t tell me it isn’t age appropriate, it’s a comic book! (EDITORS NOTE: Don’t give this comic book to young, impressionable kids. Give it to Grandpa.)
Now for everybody else on your list. First, pick up Dark Horse’s new comic The Black Beetle #0. It looks like Lobster Johnson and reads like Lobster Johnson, but is drawn by Franceso! Also get the Empowered One Shot #3Goon #45GI JOE #20 (The Joes vs. the Oktober Guard!) A + X #3FF NOW #2 and the final issue of X-Force,X-Force #35.
Now put those in a big ole’ Santa sack, and hoist it in the air. Get all your friends around and fill them up with rum spiked eggnog! Once everybody is good and plastered, throw a giant candy cane into the room and get your booze fuelled chums to enjoy their swanky “Christmas Piñata!” YAY! HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Brandon Graham
Or you could get everybody on your list King City, the greatest graphic novel of the year. If Forbidden Planet runs out, just get them Forbidden Planet gift certificates!
NEXT WEEK: Unkiedev’s Half Assed Guide for New Years comics buying, which will probably be me telling you kids to buy King City again. Have you read it? You should read it. It is really that good.

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