Prediction: The Scary Future of Comics

Ah, the New York Comic Con. Did you have fun? I didn’t. I was trapped in a cage beneath the surface of the waves by burbling, sociopathic Mermen. YES, still.

NOT going to a con means the following week is a scavenger hunt for information. We prowl the usual web forums, pages and announcement blogs trying to find all the info we required to get us up to speed for the new reads. Youtube is a great place for this sort of thing, as whole panels will often be thrown up in totality.

My job as a comic book journalist shall not be deterred just because I’m locked up in Mer-Alkatraz. Using telepathy, a special holistic blend of observation and an uncanny amount of guess work I have pieced together the highlights and biggest news stories of the con. Here begins my coverage of the New York Comic Con…as seen from my vantage point, miles below the surface of the sea.

1. Joss Whedon will ruin his good thing!

Bolstered by the financial success of Buffy season 8 it has been announced that Dark Horse will be printing not only Buffy season 9 this year but also Angel, Dollhouse, probably more Dr. Horrible, Firefly, etc. This will be great, for a while.
Then they’ll force Titan A.E. comics down our throats, followed by Whedon projects too horrible to ever make it off the launch pad. Dark Horse will degrade into a clearing house for failed Joss Whedon projects. “Joss Whedon is my master now” T-shirts will be replaced with “Whedon’t want any more of your stupid comic books, Joss” shirts.

2. Vertical Integration Implodes Industry

Brian Michael Bendis will be taking time off from Powers to write a new kids-friendly super-hero comic…and if you think there isn’t already a movie deal for this new character your more naïve’ than I thought. Soon, Mark Millar, Bendis and others need only call up Hollywood and tell them they’ve thought of a new comic book and instantly sell the movie rights to comic books that don’t exist.

Then it’s just a simple task of calling Marvel, negotiating the money off the deal and flying away to Mexico without actually publishing the comic at all. DC and Marvel will be helpless to stop them, as they let their “Talent” rip them off in the hopes they’ll come back and write a new sellable miniseries. Without the comics, no movie. Without the movies, no residuals. Without the residuals? Chaos!

3. The Digital Comics War

Not a war for dominance in format, an actual war between print comic fans and web comic fans. Dark Horse is going to start offering new exclusive Digital comics…well, exclusive until they do good numbers and then they’ll be reprinted on paper. Some comics, meanwhile will drop in price thanks to a new $2.99 price point Marvel and DC unveiled. The result?

I picture a New York Comic Con of 2015 resembling the set of Terminator: Rise of the Machines. Battle worn fans in ragged, bloody bandages shooting at each other from across upturned vendors booths and $7 hot dog carts. Old timers vs. Digital fans. GAME ON!

4. STILL no new, great comics

Finally I know for a fact we shall all still be awaiting the Comic Book Messiah who shall reinvigorate our beloved industry with actual story ideas, NOT just gimmicks. I repeat: Wolverine as an old man, or with a son, or on every team is NOT a story. The Hulk being every color under the sun is NOT a story. Green Lanters fighting zombies is NOT a story.

I await the Messiah who will tell new tales with thrilling new characters, not this crop of schmucks with their “It’s Batman, but he’s evil” malarkey! Maybe it’s Morrison. Time will tell.
-Oops! I’ve just been shocked by electric eels, that means my time on the Merprison’s computer has expired.

NEXT WEEK: More new comics and an exciting announcement!

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