In the world of competitive commerce there are “Good Bosses,” “Great Bosses,” and “Terrible Bosses.” THEN AGAIN, in the world of toys there are Megatron, Cobra Commander and Skeletor.
For those of you tuning in expecting a “Who would win in a fight” article I have disappointment both swift and harsh. Megatron. Those of you with slightly more on the ball, however, might have figured out where I’m going with this.
Who is the best boss, Megatron, Cobra Commander or Skeletor?
I love C.O.B.R.A. as an organization. It has dedication, passion, a clear business plan and a very lax dress code. Cobra Commander as a CEO on the other hand leaves much to be desired.
The Old Hooded Honcho’ is NOT what you call an idea man. We have all had this guy as a boss. “Hey you,” he hisses. “Yessss you! I need you to go down to SSSSsssssstaplesssssss and buy all the paper clipssssssss. Buy them out entirely!” “How does this help our business, sir?” you might reasonably ask. “ARE YOU QUESsssTIONING MY ORDERSSsssSSSS?!” He’ll reply, typically avoiding your question.
Never mind that you have plenty of paper clips and that this plan makes no sense whatsoever, He’s also NOT going to give you any petty cash for this. “SSsssshow ssssome initiative!” He’ll sputter!
Now just replace “Staples” with “A secret science lab” and “paper clips” with “a weather domination machine” and you get how the Commander rolls: Come up with harebrained schemes that don’t actually work, and then put frankly unqualified staff on the job.
The best part? C.O.B.R.A. is structure through ancient succession. You want a promotion? Kill the guy in office ahead of you. You’re superior officers? They’re trying to kill THEIR superior officers. You know, the hooded guy that sent you to Staples in the first place? Heck, your own co-workers are probably going to try and stop you themselves, lest Cobra Commander get his way.
HERE we are doing slightly better. Skeletor comes up with much better plans than Cobra Commander. Hell, I think only Mum-Ra comes up with plans that are worse. Skeletor’s problem is his laissez-faire attitude towards management.
In this case, let’s imagine that Tiger Woods, rather than golf, sat back in a chair and told his caddie how to golf for him…or better yet, any spectator on the sidelines with a weird outfit and/or deformity.
Let’s face it: Skeletor’s minions are THE WORST in the toy kingdom. His two right hand men are a guy who’s part dog and a merman with the original mane of “Merman” who’s apparently afraid of the water…I mean, I’ve never seen Merman in water, have you? Maybe Merman was so incompetent that he was banished from the water… Like the He-Man version of Jar Jar Binks.
So: Skeletor informs Beastman, Merman and some random weirdo… let’s say an evil panda bear with fangs named PAN•DAR that there’s a magical stone in a hidden castle that will grant anybody on Eternia fantastic powers. “Even though He-Man has stopped you idiots at every turn,” Skeletor intones with his oddly nasal voice… odd since he has no nose, that is. ANYWAY, “Even though He-Man and his pals are DEFINETLY going to try and stop you again, and EVEN GIVEN the fact that I am the only one capable of standing up to He-Man on this whole planet,” Skeletor muses, “ I have a really good feeling that you guys MIGHT be able to pull this off this time while I hang out at Snake-Mountain and count my spoon collection or something.”
When you are a Master of the Universe, who does your peer reviews? Skeletor needs to be more hands on with his staff. Except for maybe Jitsu. That guy’s hands are big enough as it is.
Megatron makes Trump look like a hippie. Cybertron’s king of malice has amazing strategies, killer staff and always gives his own %110 to all projects and endeavors. We are DARN lucky the Autobots are around, because without them the Earth would’ve been Megatron’s bathroom a way back in 2005. DARN lucky.
Does this make Megatron the best boss? Far from it. Let’s look at his track record, shall we? How does Megatron handle conflicts of interest within the company? He shoots them. How does he train employees to be at their best? He shoots them. How does Megatron ensure perfect loyalty and obedience from his squadron of transforming killer jets? He insults them THEN he shoots them.
Working for Megatron combines the worst aspects of having an over achieving brother and sleeping over Phil Spector’s house. You’re only ever going to pale in comparison and you’re probably going to be shot.
Call me crazy, but I think that Cobra Commander is probably the best boss out of the lot.. Let’s face it, what do you REALLY want out of your boss, anyway? Cobra Commander is going to give you full dental, benefits and all the hours you want. He doesn’t care if you wear a uniform or a steel mask, shirtless fringed jacket or just a cape and pants for crying out loud. He’s never going to notice if you screw up, as everybody around him is doing the same and he’ll not going to care if your late or need the weekend off.
Megatron expects results, and Skeletor wants people to blame for his own laziness. I think we all like our bosses LAX and giving. Cobra Commander is such a nice guy he’s even courteous enough to wear a mask so he doesn’t spit on his employees every time he sings “Sussudio.”
So the next time you have an opportunity to join a fictional organization bent on global domination, won’t you consider a career at COBRA? Sure your boss is a crazed megalomaniac who may or may not have the face of a snake, but at least he’s POLITE.