Tagged: Mark Martin

Ch-ch-Alterations

Comic Books as we know them are now over. Too bad, really, there were some super sweet books coming out this week, such as The Goon #41, Wolverine and the X-Men #15, Before Watchmen: Minutemen #3, Avenging Spider-Man #11, The Detective Comics Annual #1, and Justice League #12, which sure seemed like it had a great deal of promise.

It is a low down shame that none of that matters now. The seas are about to boil, and Lobsters are going to rule the land. How do I know? Because another book hitting the shelves this week is the Green Lantern Annual #1, and this book has very terse, direct solicitations; This book promises that “Everything changes here! EVERYTHING!”

Well that Sucks.

EVERYTHING CHANGES

I sure hope you didn’t like breathing air and drinking water, because NOW we’re going to have to drink coal and breath Carbon Dioxide. We’ll need to walk on our hands, except when we fly, and cars will drive US to work, which will now consist of paying someone else to allow you to loiter.

Maybe DC doesn’t mean it…but they do have a Legal department. I’m sure if DC meant that “everything in the fictional world of the Green Lantern changes,” they would have written that instead of stating that everything will change! EVERYTHING! Were it to be otherwise we could sue them for Liable, and DC Legal is not about to let that happen.

Diamonds will now be called Mondiads, and will be the most common stone on the Earth, where we won’t live anymore, btw, because that will change too. We’ll probably be whisked away to some crazy new planet…or maybe we’ll have to live on a Moon now, as we lived on planets back before everything changed.

You know who goes to moons sometimes? Darth Maul!

Hey, did you know that Darth Maul, the short, evil Jedi from the first Star Wars movie isn’t (fictionally) dead, but is now half cyborg and hanging out with his pissed off brother named Savage Opress? Well now you know, and you can read more about it in the latest Dark Horse Star Wars comic, Star Wars: Darth Maul : Death Sentence #2.

Or you could have “read all about it,” but now everything has changed. Now you’ll have to “smell nothing about something else.” Thanks a HEAP Green Lantern Annual #1! Continue reading

Post to Twitter

Rosie Psalm

Did you get some really cool comic books for free on Free Comic Books Day? Good! BECAUSE I GOT ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC NUDITY IN A CHURCH!

It’s all a big, stupid misunderstanding. There were these guys who were saying that Brandon Graham’s King City wasn’t one of the best graphic novels in the past five years, and I took great umbrage with that statement as I believe the antithesis. Go read that sentence back if you don’t believe me. NOW believe this: Brandon Graham’s King City is NOT ONLY one of the best graphic novels of the past five years, it’s also ONLY $19.99 for over 400 pages of pure comics dynamite!

KING CITY


There’s this guy with a magic cat trying to either win back his ex-girlfriend or stop the hell-beast of the Apocalypse from destroying the eponymous, sprawling, insane city he calls home. He’s on the fence because he can’t really figure out if he still loves this girl, or if it’s just his love of nostalgia, OR if this hell-beast thing could blow over without him getting involved because, really, he should probably be helping his luchador roommate rescue a water alien before she’s thrown into intergalactic sex-slavery by mobsters.

THAT is essentially the plot to King City as I loudly explained it to the two gentlemen in question right after they said that King City could “Eat it.” Now that I think about it, they may have been saying “Take this, all of you, and eat it, this is the blood of my body.” I did so many whip-its that day, it’s hard to remember. As I walked up the aisle of the bar to explain further, I rolled up my sleeves anticipating trouble, as well as taking off my shoes so I had a place to keep my glasses safe. I took my sock off so I had something to protect my other sock in, and I took my pants off to keep my socks company. It was only once I was PARTIALLY naked that I realized I wasn’t in a bar, but a church.

“Didn’t I hear you two guys about five minutes ago reading the new Image comic, Prophet?” I slurred. “EVERYBODY knows that this new Prophet reboot is amazing, and it’s drawn by Brandon Graham, too! LOOK at the difference in art styles! Graham has such a versatile pen that Prophet is the best looking sci-fi comic since Moebius, but King City is all in a fluid, funky cartoon/graphiti style…almost like Crumb drawing the Muppets!”

Now this smarmy SOB tried to take it all back, saying he was talking about “The Lord, our Prophet,” and not Image’s Prophet at all. Pfff. Like THAT’S a comic book at all.

By this time these two yutzes up at the roster where getting really pushy, and I noticed a crowd had gathered in the pews to watch the fight. First they just chased me, grabbing my shirt to try and pin me to the floor, but I escaped by wriggling out of what clothes I had left. HA! Grab THAT, Mr. Funny-Hat. Continue reading

Post to Twitter