Just Kill Me

They say you can’t judge a book by its cover…somebody should tell that to Clown Fatale #1 from Dark Horse. I don’t WANT to think that this may be the stupidest human creation of all time, but I don’t want to spend the money in order to make an informed decision. LOOK at this monstrosity!

 

I always envision every comic book taking place in an alternate universe… it helps with the suspension of disbelief. What we have here is an alternate universe in which there are still roving circuses. In one of these, the clowns are a drop dead gorgeous troupe of multi-ethnic ladies who dress like strippers. Our story transpires when criminals, due to a wacky misunderstanding, hire these sexy lady clowns in full make-up to kill, mistaking them for assassins. The clowns naturally accept.

 

I’m not sure if my suspension of disbelief stretches this far.

 

I’ll rationalize it, however, by reminding myself of the strange universe we DO inhabit; We live in a world where someone at a highly successful comic book publisher rationalized that A) People LIKE clowns (hint: They don’t) and that B) People like sexy women, so logically people will like sexy women clowns. I’m sure this creative genius then spent the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out whether the clowns should be Vampires, Assassins or Crime Scene Investigators.

 

Maybe they figured that Harley Quin was popular, and wanted in on some of that action. Regardless of motives, Clown Fatales #1 seems an affront to all art, past, present and future, as well as a finger in the eye to the indomitable human spirit. A veritable raspberry in the face of taste and sense, this.

 

But I will buy it. And I will read it. And I will judge this erotic, tightly paced crime clown drama on its own merits. And I will write a review. And I will weep at the funeral of my artistic credibility, and I will morn my dignity as I bury the last shreds of my self respect.

 

NOT TO SPOIL THE FUN

And you’ll weep, too, if you miss out on Wolverine #11 this week! SOMETHING huge and crazy is going to happen…but WHAT?! There’s much to suggest this issue will be a massive milestone, a sales bonanza to rival Spider-Man’s wedding or the death of Captain America. I’d guess Wolverine is going to die (again,) but the maybe we’re in for something stranger?

 

Marvel, a Disney Entertainment company, wants to make movies off of the Avengers as a step in the process of making money off the toys and merchandise from Marvel comics. A fly in their ointment, however, is the prior business deal wherein Fox owns the motion picture rights to the X-Men franchise and Sony own the Spidey movies.

 

Spidey and Wolvie fighting alongside the Hulk, Thor and Scarlet Johanson would sure sell some lunchboxes.

 

Here’s Unkiedev’s crazy prediction for Wolverine #11…it’s a doozy. It will be revealed that Wolverine is actually AN ALIEN, the last son of a distant planet called Canadaton, which blew up after his parents messed up an experiment. To cover up their mistake, they sent their only son in a small spaceship to a planet where he would have fantastic superpowers…and brain washed him through pre-recorded messages to tell anyone who ever asked that THEY didn’t destroy the planet, they were the only ones trying to stop it from blowing up the whole time!

 

See what this does? Wolverine is no longer a mutant, and no longer tied to the X-Men continuity. That’s why the big Marvel movie coming up is Guardians of the Galaxy! Wolverine #11 will plant these seeds when alien warriors from beyond the stars come to the long ignored planet Earth to bring Wolverine to justice for his parent’s crimes!

 

Or he might just die. I’ll never know. I’ll probably be so traumatized after reading Clown Fatales #1 that I’ll wander into traffic and get hit by a semi. If I see Wolverine in Hell, I’ll send you kids an e-mail.

Post to Twitter

Post a comment

You may use the following HTML:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>