Spawn of Unkiedev

So last Thursday my wife gave birth to our first child. #Overrated. I had always thought that my son would have a great love of comics like his old man. So far Unkiedev Jr. likes only two things: chaos and nipples.

Don’t get me wrong, that’s my kind of guy. I’m slightly worried that he’s a vampire, as he sleeps all day and, much like a Lost Boy, parties all night. My suspicions were NOT quelled when the nurse told us that the newborn feeds on milk which Momma synthesizes from her blood.

Diagnosis: Vampire.

BAD ATTITUDE

There’s a catch-22 to being the new father to a geek baby. Unless your particular brand of geek chic is compulsively collecting swaddling clouts, there is not a single aspect of our collections that are baby safe.

Now that I have a baby I have to put my autographed Michael Dorn Bat’leth in storage. Apparently, avenging one’s blood honor is not “Age Appropriate.” All my thousands of brightly colored LEGO pieces, GONE. My friend was going to give me, no joke, an unopened Masterpiece Skywarp Transformer he had an extra of. Needless to say, that ain’t happening now.

I’m starting to think the Missus wanted a child just so she could have the spare bedroom cleaned.

LIVING THE DREAM

We collect these vast storehouses of awesome in order to pass them on to our progeny, but in order to have room for a safe baby, half of it has to go.

Sometimes it’s easy to know what to toss in order to make room for baby. I was about to throw out my run of Civil War when who should walk out of a time vortex but my baby, now 53 and sporting a sweet robotic arm and dashing facial scar. He said that the number one comic character of the future is CLOR, and that our family’s slow decline into cannibalistic madness starts with me throwing his first appearance out.

“Good to know,” I said, as I lit them on fire. Look, I’ve watched enough Doctor Who to recognize a Living Skin Doppelganger when I see one.

RAGE

This process of distillation is healthy and natural. The most beautiful Bonsai trees are created from careful pruning.

When my son is 16 he’s going to want this red leather slipcase of Kingdom Come in order to ironically make himself feel better that girls think he’s nerdy, but I don’t think he, or anybody else in 16 years, is going to want a DVD set of New Battlestar Galactica Season 4.5. Some things are better left unseen.

That is all from Unkiedev and family. I have to go… Baby is crying his eyes out. I think he just found out they’re making The Hobbit movies a trilogy.

All our breast. I mean best. Either way, all of it.

NEXT WEEK: Guest columnist Alternate Timeline Unkiedev Jr. will tell us all what makes CLOR so special.

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More musings from Unkiedev, Earth’s own sidekick, can be read at unkiedev.blogspot.com

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