Gramp-On

EDITOR’S NOTE: Unkiedev continues to prove himself unreliable at making deadlines, missing his column AGAIN this week. In an attempt to ratify this situation, while still bringing you the quality comic book coverage you demand, we have used the Time Machine located on the premises to bring Unkiedev’s great, great. great grandfather, Lord Gunther Horatio Boxsteader, and set him about reviewing some of this week’s titles. We now join him in the study over brandy and cigars.

TAKE IT AWAY, GRAMPS

…And I said “That’s not my mustache, that is a colony of spiders crawling out of my nose! Ha-Ha-Ha!”

Oh, hello there. I didn’t know you had arrived. My word but you look the fool. Since I’ve arrived here from your past I cannot help but be continuously assailed by your stupid attire and lackluster attitudes towards the finer pursuits of life: such as fox hunting, gypsy hunting, and the Intercontinental rail. May the Christian God have mercy on your degenerate souls.

I’ve been asked to remark on a few tomes set before me of a type you call “Comic Books,” though magazines would be more appropriate and WHAT, precisely I should find comical about them I shouldn’t wonder.

Here’s one: Batman #7. Dreadful stuff. A rich man spending his time disguising himself as a creature of the night in order to punch costumed ruffians? Piffle. Should a gentlemen be desiring to punch the unfortunate, he need only to do so. The law and his birth-right shall protect him.

Still, I find the vibrant coloring and the slick nature of the paper printed there upon to be the technological horrors concocted by madmen! Why do you people of the future require such extremes? Are you all blind from masturbation?

I certainly would be had I too had been exposed to some of this provocative filth. Look at this brazen hussy: Wonder Woman #7. Yes, I wonder, Ma’dam. I wonder why the histrionics of such a tramp are considered socially excepted! This issue features the “So Called” heroine venturing to the Greek underworld on an adventure to reclaim the dead. Well, that seems very proper. I do hope it shall feature sword cane battles with skeletons.

What else? Hmm? Let’s see: Dark Horse #10 has a piece from an author I did quite enjoy. Chap by the name of Evan Dorkin. And I was quite partial to that chapbook you called The Goon #38. His brutish antics DO cause quite a stir, eh wot?!
It seemed to me the only books worth my notice were Ragemoor #1, the ‘Comic’ about the Castle which has achieved life through dark magic and attempts to eat all who oppose it (a fine pursuit, to be sure,) and The Amazing Spider-Man #682. I do enjoy a good science fiction story, and I was intrigued by these wild inventions of the author, Mr. Dan Slott. “Space Shuttles,” indeed. What will they think of next.

There. I’ve commented on this blasted trash, now you fulfill YOUR half of the arrangement and bestow upon me this miraculous modern invention you call “Dub Step Music.”

NEXT WEEK: Unkiedev charts the evolution of the staple in binding comic books, starting with it’s predecessor the “Stoople,” then he takes a hard look at Europe’s competing metric metal binder, “the Decaplomenster,” and finally he exposes the truth behind stapling digital comics.

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More musings from Unkiedev, Earth’s own sidekick, can be read at unkiedev.blogspot.com

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