The New York Comic Con is this weekend, and I shall not be attending. I feel I have let myself down; and should you find yourself in the same boat, you should feel the same way. After all, this is not San Diego, Monteal, or Tokyo. My excuse is that I live in a cave someplace outside of Westchester and send my columns to the city via carrier owl. You should have no excuse as to why you aren’t going.
“But Unkiedev,” you foolishly stammer, drool glistening on your chin like syrup on a pancake, “I didn’t get my tickets in advance and now they’re sold out. I CAN’T go. WAUGH!”
Of course you can. Are you an American or big cry baby? American ingenuity gave our culture the submarine, Velcro, and breast implants…it can get you a last minute ticket to the New York Comic Con 2011. Here, let me help.
UNKIEDEV’S GUIDE TO SCORING ACCESS TO THE NEW YORK COMICON FOR FREE:
5. Lounge around the back of the Con, near where the construction teamsters are idling their trucks to load and unload Marvel’s big pavilion. As soon as someone opens the door; say for example like when Steve Mannion, author and illustrator of the amazing Fearless Dawn goes out to puff a butt; slip into the joint like cream filling into a donut!
Once inside, either act totally cool like nothing is wrong or feel free to swipe somebody else’s three-day pass…maybe an unsuspecting Storm Trooper buying a hot dog. IF you get caught, tell them your were recreating the prison sequence from A New Hope. Remember: It isn’t theft when it’s an homage!
4. Take all of your Legos and make a gigantic, life-sized Lego Batman with a compartment inside large enough to fit you and your Con Swag. Place said Lego Batman outside of the convention center with a toe tag reading “For Booth 1254.”
DC is hosting Lego this year, with the brand new Lego superhero line on display that includes a new Lego Batcave. As soon as the convention staff load you onto the floor, open your secret bat-compartment and sneak around at your leisure.
Hey, If it’s good enough for the Greeks, it’s good enough for you.
3. Find the supply company that sells the Javits Center their Security Forces uniforms. Buy one of those, wear it, and walk in through the front door. This plan has two big advantages: Unlike imitating a police officer, imitating private security isn’t a crime, and TWO) The price of your out fit will probably be cheaper than a bootleg ticket.
Oh wait, I said all these options would be free, didn’t I? Well, forget this one. Let’s move on.
2. This always works: Shave your head, wear a nice suit, talk all funny like a crazy person while walking in the door with Forbidden Planet Big Wig Jeff Ayers and claim to be Grant Morrison. NO ONE will question you. NO ONE will stop you.
1. Show this column at the door, especially the following sentence. THIS COLUMN IS VALID FOR ONE ADMITTANCE TO THE NEW YORK COMIC CON 2011. I even put it in caps to make sure it was SUPER legible.
Yes, through a secret, back-room handshake deal with Reed Exhibitions this column in the Forbidden Planet newsletter is an ipso facto, bona fide Coupon for free admission. Sure it is! Who says it isn’t? Go ahead and try it out, see for yourself! (NOTE: The Editor would like you to know that Unkiedev is insane. DO NOT try to use this column as a coupon, IT WILL NOT WORK.)
In the slim chance that it doesn’t work I can only suggest that the security people who tossed you out on your rubber Spock ears were actually gatecrashers themselves in disguise. Where do these people get their ideas from?
More musings from Unkiedev, Earth’s own sidekick, can be read at unkiedev.blogspot.com