New Comics from a New Venue

The good news is I’m no longer being held prisoner by Mermen. The bad news is I’m now being held prisoner by Magma Monsters.

See, I started tunneling out of my barnacled cell using a spoon from the Titanic they gave me for my “Disgusting human digestion” as they called it, only to discover what I had forgotten: tunneling down from the bottom of the ocean only brings you close to the molten core of the Earth, and the horribly jabbering magma-men and women who dwell in the lava caves therein.

YES, I’m stuck in a stalag made of ACTUAL stalagmites and stalactites, but have no fear. I’ve seen the wonderful cinematic masterpiece “2012”. I know it will only be a few short years before the surface of the Earth crumbles like an orange peal and all prisoners beneath the rocky mantle shall be released.

DC

Kudos to DC this week for putting out some decent stories with interesting artists, most notably Batman and Robin #15, Brightest Day #12, and the DC Halloween Special #1 2010. Probably the DC book I’m most excited about is the Vertigo Resurrected #1, a reprint issue re-releasing rare Vertigo material from Brian Azzarello, Warren Ellis, Jim Lee and more!

And what’s going on over at the increasingly misnamed “House of Ideas?” The silver lining is new issues of Astonishing X-Men Xenogenesis #4 of 5, Kick-Ass 2: Balls to the Wall #1 and Avengers #6. The touch of gray?

MARVEL

Half of Marvel’s books are either about characters cloned/sired or inspired by better, more original characters or about Deadpool, himself a Spider-Man/Wolverine mash-up who’s far beyond his saturation point.

Red Hulk was a great book for a while, or as good as a book where your protagonist is just the Hulk only after copious amounts of Mountain Dew: Code Red. Now?

What is going on over there? You want me to keep buying Red Hulk with Hulk #26 but without a noted writer and without a superstar penciller? There was a time when this book had Art Adams AND Frank Cho in the SAME book!

Speaking of Art, you have him doing a variant cover to Carnage #1. Is that because you realize that’s the only way that turkey will sell? I know you guys will bring back ANY dead character, hero, villain or nobody, but a third string spidey villain that was only invented to cash in on BOTH the bad clone and symbiot fads? YIKES.

But it gets worse.

Avengers vs Pet Avengers #1 of 4 will be four issues of Iron Man, Captain America and Thor as frog fighting dragons along with Lockjaw the teleporting dog and a slew of other super pets. There’s no in between here, kids; This is either EVERYTHING you think comic books should be about or the complete opposite.

I’m just impressed they think they can cash-grab on this one for four issues. I was done with the premise of “Marvel Monkeys” after one issue.

You know what? I’m glad I’m stuck in a Maga-Monster lava prison for the next year. That means my eyes will probably melt out of my skull before I’ll ever have to see the artistic cabbage water that is the X-23 #2 vampire variant cover.

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